Talk all you want, good intercourse takes practice

My first blog back was going to be about last Tuesday's hilly little ride with the guys, but I got dropped so fast that there isn't much worth reporting other than I now have no doubt that eight weeks off the bike, on top of a general season without much riding, isn't the best strategy for surviving the hilliest Tuesday Night route of the season.

So let's move on...

I once heard the question, "Name a four letter word of intercourse?" naturally it's a question that provokes a smirk, maybe a grin, and perhaps a raised eyebrow. The answer, one option, is "talk."

Yes, talking is a form of intercourse - and apparently one the Manx Missile, Mark Cavendish, has confused with the other four letter option. This past weekend he was quoted by VeloNews online, in reference to holding on to a car in the Tour de France this past July,

"Are you f**king kidding me? If I go back, let alone if I'm dropped, I have two race officials, TV cameras, an ice-cream van and a marching band following me. How the f**k am I going to hold on to a car?” he asks.

Intercourse is apparently something Mark isn't very good at despite his constant practice. Colorful, or should that be colourful, definitely yes. Entertaining, well, all good intercourse should be. Sensitive, not so much. Kind to those with whom he is sharing the moment, rarely. All of which is odd considering his British upbringing. And there is the irony, he hails from the Isle of Man, yet hasn't become one. Unfortunately this little boy nor his language skills have matured.

Ah, the art of language. Now what is that saying? Ah yes, intercourse from another Mark, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

All of which makes me miss the articulate "professor" - Laurent Fignon - even more.

BREAKING NEWS: Renshaw to Work For BP

Bourg-lès-Valence,FRANCE - Executed in swift and decisive action today, in a move rarely seen by Tour officials, top race official Jean-Francois Pescheux disqualified cyclist Mark Renshaw of team HTC-Columbia. He said after the race: “Renshaw was declassified immediately but we have decided to also throw him off the race." Going on to say, "We’ve only seen the pictures once, but his actions are plain for all to see. This is a bike race, not a gladiator’s arena." Later adding his talents are needed elsewhere, but refused to elaborate.

As reported immediately after the finish today in VeloNews:

Australian Mark Renshaw has been thrown out of the Tour de France for trying to headbutt rival Julian Dean during a bunch sprint finish to the end of the 11th stage, race officials said.

Renshaw, the lead-out man for stage winner Mark Cavendish, was shown by television pictures trying to headbutt the Garmin-Transitions rider from New Zealand three times in the final 400 meters of the home straight.

Cavendish then raced ahead towards eventual victory, his third this year on the race and 13th in three participations, with Renshaw then seen trying to block Dean’s sprinter, Tyler Farrar, as the American tried to come up the inside of the barriers.

Elaboration on the disqualification came only minutes later in the official release from the Queen of England Royal PR Service. It said - that Her Majesty the Queen had been requested by BP senior officials, who were reportedly taking a break from the whole "Gulf mess" to catch the run into the line by Cavendish, to summon Mr. Renshaw, an Australian, as a royal subject, to assist in their growing dilemma in the Gulf of Mexico. An unidentified BP official was quoted as saying - we're in the crapper on this one mate, we need to know if this test will work and after watching Mark bashing his way through the peloton we are certain if our well head can survive that it can stand up to any pressure from below.

“The well integrity test will last at least 6 hours and could last up to 48 hours, as soon as Mr. Renshaw arrives,” BP said on its Web site. “Although it cannot be assured, it is expected that no oil will be released to the ocean during the Renshaw test. Even if no oil is released during the test, this will not be an indication that oil and gas flow from the well bore has been permanently stopped, nor that Mr. Renshaw has not headbutted the well head to the best of his ability.”

In a brief statement to the media, Mr. Renshaw said, "I'm bummed to be out of the Tour, but as long as Aussies fly the Union Jack on our flag, I'll be there for the Queen Mother, England, and any of its global multinational corporate giants that find themselves with a sticky wicket."

In an unrelated news story, HTC-Columbia announced that it has signed an agreement for a new long-term sponsor and its team colors will now be a pronounced green and yellow.

Why I'm not a sprinter!

Today in the finish of Tour du Suisse Satge 4 things went "all pear shape" in the final 100 meters to the line. Cavendish chose a sprint line diagonal to Cervelos Haussler and slam bam they all fall down, including Boonen (black, red, yellow Belgian National jersey) who crashes into a tumbling Cav and best flight of all, whom the judges must award "Best Aerial in a Sprint" to is the AG2R rider